Jaguar Herpes

PATIENT is sitting in a chair in a doctor's office. As he is idly
looking around, he scratches his groin, but quickly stops when he
hears a knock at the door.

After the knock, DOCTOR enters. She sits down in her swivel chair,
and looks at PATIENT. She gives him a look as though she's
puzzling something out, tilting her head and putting a hand to her
chin.

DOCTOR
Your lab results came back, you have jaguar herpes.

PATIENT (immediately defensive:)
Is "jaguar" like, a specific version of normal herpes?

DOCTOR
It's herpes that you get from having sex with a jaguar. Big cat
with the spots.

PATIENT
Do jaguars even have herpes?

DOCTOR
Yes all of them, it's one of the only STIs an animal can give to a
human actually. In most cases we're different species and the STIs
kinda just bounce off, so if you're looking at bestiality,

PATIENT (interrupting:)
Woah woah woah, no one has said anything about BESTIALITY.

DOCTOR
Well, it's, jaguar herpes. You get it from having sex with a
jaguar.

PATIENT
Could it happen if like, someone was AROUND a jaguar?

DOCTOR (amused:)
It's not airborne.

PATIENT
But like, if a jaguar sat somewhere, and then later a human sat
there, is there like, a chance that maybe her rash could get onto
him?

DOCTOR
No.

PATIENT
Not even a one in a thousand chance?

DOCTOR
It's transmitted by a jaguar's sloppy pussy juice interacting with
a human's precum and then going back up the dickhole, it's innate
unless the jaguar is VERY aroused and the human penis is
SIGNIFICANTLY involved.

PATIENT
Okay okay okay sure, but a human can also get it from ANOTHER
HUMAN who has it.

DOCTOR
No the jaguar pussy juice is crucial.

PATIENT
Ugh, well, maybe someone was just, working on jaguar breeding and
then ate lunch without washing their hands?

DOCTOR
Yuck.

PATIENT
Well I'm just saying! It sounds like there could be a lot of
different ways it COULD spread around!

DOCTOR
Nnnno it's from having sex with a jaguar. The first research
papers on it actually said "masturbating using a jaguar" even to
refer to like, an alive, aroused jaguar.

PATIENT
Oh that's weird.

DOCTOR
Right?

PATIENT
Huh.

Pause.

PATIENT scratches his groin. Then he suddenly moves his hand away,
and says,

PATIENT
Sorry.

DOCTOR (totally nonjudgmental, "nah don't worry about it":)
No I understand.

PATIENT
I just think there must be other tests we can do, to figure out if
it might be something else.

DOCTOR
What do you do for a living?

PATIENT (busted.)
I work in a... zoo.

DOCTOR
What's your job in the zoo?

PATIENT
Security guard.

DOCTOR
Do you work days, nights?

PATIENT
Nights.

Awkward pause.

DOCTOR
It's probably jaguar herpes.

PATIENT
It's probably jaguar herpes.

DOCTOR
Shortly before the itching started do you recall if you had sex
with a jaguar?

PATIENT
Shortly before the itching started... it is true... that I did...
now that you mention it... have a little bit of sex with a jaguar.
She was eyefucking me through the glass, how could I not get in
there, you know?

DOCTOR (flourishes a prescription paper:)
Take one of these every day for the itching, also kangaroos have
gonorrhea and most gorillas have syphilis.