Fam Tree In a living room, a HUMAN MOTHER, HUMAN CHILD, and HUMAN FATHER are seated on a couch. In front of them on a big board is a diagram of a family tree. MAY Okay Scotty, so, last weekend, at Easter, some people were upset that you didn't know how you and them were related. SCOTTY (ashamed:) Yeah... MAY But, we never taught you how you and them were related, did we? SCOTTY (shakes his head.) Uh-uh. MAY So you couldn't have known, huh? SCOTTY Yeah... MAY So, we're going to teach you today. We have our family tree here. This is OUR family tree, woooow, see that? Do you see where we are? Look, this is you, riiight here! And there's us, that's me, "May," your mom, and there's dad, look, there's "Cliff," your dad. Do you see how we follow along with the lines on this chart? SCOTTY Uh-huh we learned about family trees in school. MAY So, who do you think this is? SCOTTY (amused:) I can see her picture that's grandma. MAY But how do you know it's grandma from the chart? SCOTTY Because the line is connected. It goes up one from me to dad and then up one from dad to grandma. MAY Wonderful! From the picture, do you see who this is? SCOTTY Um. Uncle Jeff but is he actually COUSIN Jeff? CLIFF (proud:) See! He told ya he knows how to read a family tree! MAY That's right, so, if we follow along, your dad Cliff and Jeff's dad Rosco both have the same mom, Grandma Vivian, or Viv as a lot of people call her. But, Rosco is dad's OLDER brother, and so, he and his wife had Jeff years and years and years before we had you. So Jeff is older than you, and he seems like your uncle, but actually, he's your cousin. SCOTTY Mhm that makes sense I didn't know but I understand. Cliff pats Scotty. MAY Now. Over here, with Aunt Lisa, this is something that we probably didn't tell you about before. Aunt Lisa divorced her first husband, and Uncle Mike is actually her second husband. SCOTTY Oh. MAY It's okay. SO, her first husband's name was Clint, and she had one daughter with Clint, and then they got divorced, and then she got married to Mike, and had another daughter with Mike. 20 YEARS LATER. In a living room, SCOTTY and his two girlfriends SHREDDER and ANNA-MARIE are sitting on a couch, with MAY and CLIFF also on the couch to either side of the throuple. In front of them on a big board is a diagram of... a family tree? SCOTTY Okay, so. Mom and Dad. My girlfriends and I were talking, and, we felt that you maybe weren't 100% on the whole 'queer' 'gay' scene kinda vibe that me and my girlfriends are all part of, and we wanted to OFFER to catch you up on the whole comprehensive web. MAY We understand. You're gay and single but you have a lot of friends who are girls who are lesbians, and you're very supportive of them, and we admire that of you, you're a very good friend to people in need. SCOTTY That's. Not correct. CLIFF I thought he put it in animals. SCOTTY THAT'S, ALSO, oh my god. No that WAS true, and then she DIED of rabies, and so now that was, a long time ago. MAY He IS gay now, dear, and just friends with lots of other gay kids. SCOTTY Please do not say it like that, that's, for a lot of reasons that's not true. MAY No it's true honey, you're a very good friend to all of these people. CLIFF We're impressed with your selflessness. You've really put so much into helping those worse off than you for nothing in return. SCOTTY Okay well, no, no this is... Oh boy. Okay. Um. Mom, Dad, on this diagram here, we have, me, and Shredder, who is right here, you've met her, and Anna-Marie, right here, you've met her as well. MAY (100% confidence:) Two pretty girlies sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S- SCOTTY MOM. SHREDDER Wait that rules, May you rule actually? SCOTTY Okay so YES, Mom, Shredder and Anna-Marie do have a line between them, they are girlfriends with each other, but you see, there's also, a line, between each of them and me, it's a triangle. So? MAY Friends. SCOTTY No, that's, it's, more than friends, actually. The lines are people who are having sex with each other. May gasps, looking around at the whole board. Cliff seems deep in thought. SCOTTY So, Shredder, IS my girlfriend, okay, MY, girlfriend. AND, Anna- Marie is my girlfriend, also. MAY (dumbfounded, looking at Shredder and Anna-Marie,) I didn't know you two were boys- OH I'm sorry, not to say- SHREDDER Is your mom single? SCOTTY (amused:) Okay no no no no, Mom, they ARE girls. MAY Well I know they "ARE" girls, SCOTTY Yes, but, also, they are cisgender girls, they were born and raised as girls. MAY Well I know they "were" "born and raised" "as girls," ANNA-MARIE (to Scotty:) I'm trying dude, I'm trying to come up with the key words that would explain it, but. SCOTTY Yeah. Ha. No it's uh. Okay. So. Mom. Shredder and Anna-Marie are not trans. MAY OH, okay. Scotty, Shredder, and Anna-Marie glance around amongst themselves to see if they agree that May actually gets it. Yes it seems like she does. Anna-Marie starts idly running her fingertips along Scotty. SCOTTY Okay, so, Mom. Me, Shredder, Anna-Marie, all together, makes sense? MAY Sure. SCOTTY Awesome. MAY So yyyyou're a girl now, okay. SCOTTY NOPE. SHREDDER No let's not move on too hastily, hang on. SCOTTY I am happy to date women AND men. I AM gay, but, I am also straight, and I am still a male, okay? MAY You can be honest. SHREDDER You can be honest Julia. SCOTTY (amused:) NOT helping. Evil. Shredder gives a tubular hand sign. Cliff gestures to the chart. CLIFF How many of these people are dogs? SCOTTY We're getting there. CLIFF I mean ballpark, 0 percent, 100 percent. SCOTTY Kind of 10 percent but kind of 80 percent. CLIFF Is it because of furries? SCOTTY It, honestly, I mean, yeah, close enough. CLIFF Alrighty. MAY So, does Anna-Marie have a wife? I had assumed that was another friend of yours named Anna-Marie who had a wife, but now I'm wondering again. SCOTTY (excited:) Yes! So! Anna-Marie here does have a wife, who she is married to. The wife's name is Autumn. CLIFF Anna-Marie and Autumn don't have a line together on this chart. SCOTTY No they do not. CLIFF You have a line between yourself and Anna-Marie and yourself and Autumn. SCOTTY Yes. CLIFF (lowkey impressed:) Wow no okay. SCOTTY So, a lot of these people identify as a lot of different species, or genders. I've written the quick bullet points under everyone, but, you can also see all of their photos and make of them what you will. Oh, I've also written their real names, AND their fursonas' names, and all of the other aliases, that I'm aware of, although if they're trans I've left out the deadname because we never use those. MAY So HERE, LUKE, is the man you're having sex with right now. SCOTTY Yyyyyes. MAY So HE'S your new real partner. SCOTTY Wait what? ANNA-MARIE (to Scotty:) No this really makes sense through not-you-vision trust me. SCOTTY Sweetie what? ANNA-MARIE Oh it's not RIGHT it's just that I would assume the same thing. SCOTTY Really? SHREDDER 100%. SCOTTY Well YOU would. SHREDDER 100%. CLIFF How many of these people are having internet sex? SCOTTY EVERYONE on this chart is having internet sex with EVERYONE else on this chart. CLIFF Okay I understand now. MAY So you're all cheating on Autumn? SCOTTY No what. SHREDDER Kinda. SCOTTY Not even kind of! SHREDDER She calls us cheating harlots EVERY day. ANNA-MARIE She just calls everyone that, she calls people that in traffic. CLIFF When do any of you have time to go to work. SHREDDER God, right? MAY So Scotty, you ARE dating again, wow. Back in the running. SCOTTY Not exactly? MAY Oh what is it now? SCOTTY Well, in the running for WHAT, is what I'm not sure of in that. CLIFF Marriage and children, son. SCOTTY No, zero interest. MAY So you are homosexual. SCOTTY I am pansexual, polyamorous, SHREDDER Oh also everyone on this chart is a zoophile or a furry. Or an animal. SCOTTY That is true yeah- well no, Mark is just, a guy. SHREDDER IS he? Shit bro I thought he was so freaky I didn't even wanna ask. SCOTTY I THINK he's like, just a normal guy? ANNA-MARIE Is Mark not they/them? SCOTTY No Mark is he/him. ANNA-MARIE Oh he is so they/them coded. Shredder types on her phone for 1 second. SHREDDER I sent him a message, 'Hey are you like ultra freaky secretly or are you mostly super vanilla? What's the weirdest interests you're into? Here's my own favs for a sense of what I'm into if you're interested in comparing lmao, I think you already know most of these but to be clear these are ones I legitimately am hardcore into,' and then a list of my favs. CLIFF Well kids, SCOTTY Not kids. SHREDDER Mark says he identifies as a little kid I fucking knew it. ANNA-MARIE That's not freaky! By itself? That's cute! SHREDDER He's still typing. ANNA-MARIE Oh pfff, okay, well, we'll see. SHREDDER I think it's a LITTLE freaky even just by itself. ANNA-MARIE Oh it is not. SHREDDER I support him being a freak hardcore I'm just saying he is one. CLIFF Who makes the costumes? SHREDDER What? MAY Oh what he's saying is, you're all attracted to animals, who makes the costumes, for when you're having sex with each other? ANNA-MARIE I do. SCOTTY What? Shredder puts Scotty in a headlock and covers his mouth with her hand. CLIFF So, Scotty is a girl now and you all wear animal costumes and have orgies, is that what you wanted us to know? SHREDDER Yup thanks. Scotty is frantically trying to keep talking but it is completely muffled by Shredder's restraints on him. ANNA-MARIE Well Mrs May and Mr Cliff, thank you for having this sit-down with us, I think we clarified a lot. Scotty is really-really trying to talk, Shredder is not letting him go. Everyone is getting up from the couch to leave. MAY Well it's all quite a bit different from how WE used to do it, but, I understand. SHREDDER Thank you so much for your understanding. CLIFF So let me ask, with the actual dogs, do you have to drug them or do they just take it? ANNA-MARIE Oh we sometimes drug them but mostly we just train them to put up with taking it. Scotty is frantically shouting under Shredder's hand but his corrections cannot be heard. CLIFF Ohhhhhh, huh. I never thought of that. SHREDDER You learn something new every day. ANNA-MARIE See you two at the Blink concert I gotta sell Erin some smack. SHREDDER Kay, make that money babe. Anna-Marie kisses Shredder who kisses her back, and then kisses Scotty on the forehead while Scotty is still trying to talk under Shredder's hand. Anna-Marie then leaves. Shredder glances at May and Cliff, and then at Scotty. SHREDDER I uh. Have to go take her to get her. Gynecologist meeting. Scheduled. She hasn't had her special snip-snip but she likes to go there and pretend. CLIFF Well don't let us keep ya, thank you for stopping by. MAY Love you Scotty, love you Shredder. SHREDDER Take care homies. Shredder drags Scotty away kicking and (muffled-ly) screaming.