King’s Chatroom
CASTLE - DAY
KING and his three advisors, in no hurry, are walking through a sunny passageway in the castle.
LAURA
I mark you will be very pleased, o king.
KING
Wonderful! I love being pleased!
LAURA
This new technology arrived from the mouse kingdom just two nights ago. It has taken some setting up, but works exactly as they have said.
KING
Huzzah! My tail is wagging already!
LAURA
So it is, o king, so it is.
ROLUSEIR aside to Benethedes:
I mark we are lucky, to be advisors to a king so filled up with huzzahs and wonderfuls.
KING Did not hear that.
Ha haaaa! Is that a falcon outside! Delightful! What beauty!
BENETHEDES aside to Roluseir:
Indeed, wise Roluseir. We are dealt a lucky lot indeed.
LAURA
Here, o king, behind this door.
Laura opens the door, and KING and his three advisors proceed through.
KING
Ohhhhh how magnificent, what an extensive number of buttons there are in this room! I’ve never seen so many! So through these buttons, at mere presses of them with my fuzzy lupine fingertips, I may communicate to other kings and such across the world?
BENETHEDES
Any at all who have the same technology arranged, king or not. The number who have it is growing rapidly.
ROLUSEIR
You will certainly find no shortage of company when operating this apparatus.
LAURA
Indeed, through this technology, there are many fantastical rooms in which to chat about any topic you like—
Pause.
Here, KING blathers on, meanwhile ROLUSEIR and BENETHEDES share an aside.
KING
Ahhh, wonderful, wonderful zoophilia! You know, I have often found, that the four legged are such captivating creatures, in their beauty, in their movements, in, why, in their amount of legs! Four! What a splendid notion! More paws to balance on! More paws to run on! What different worlds we come from, and I think that is the heart of it, the contrasts, the four legged seeing beauty in the two, the two legged seeing very much beauty indeed in the four!
ROLUSEIR
Well THAT was the most predictable thing that’s happened in my entire life.
BENETHEDES
We knew he was going to ASK, I didn’t know he would do it THAT fast.
The aside ends.
KING
Please, o advisors, wise council, bring me forth to speak on zoophilia with the world.
LAURA
Benethedes, be you prepared at the dials?
LAURA
Navigate us by way of the path of six thousand and six hundred and sixty and seven, room hash zoophilia.
A chime sounds.
ROLUSEIR
All looking good over here!
LAURA
Our tether holds. It appears that in the room to discuss zoophilia, we have three other users of this technology. First, her highness the queen of cats.
KING
Oh what a joyous surprise! It’s been ages!
ROLUSEIR (“Ovathi the Eleventh”)
Second, I see that in the room there is Ovathi XI.
KING
The one doing all of that work on, ah what is it called...
KING pleased:
Pornography! What an idea. Ahhh.
BENETHEDES
Lastly in the room, is Mike7.
KING (“Michael the Seventh”)
Ah, yes! Michael VII of... ah...
BENETHEDES
At times, in these rooms, some unknown person gets on and assigns themself an arbitrary name. Mike7 is not nobility to my knowledge.
KING
Speaking to the people! Any people! I love it! How do I proceed?
LAURA
All you must do is press the button of any word you wish to say, and it will be conveyed to the others in the room we have joined.
KING makes a series of single button presses as each word is found.
KING
Are... any... of... you... also...
(Can’t find the next one.)
Where is zoophiles?
BENETHEDES projecting from far away:
Over here, o king!
LAURA
Let’s bring that button closer to over here, Benethedes. Give it a press yourself for now?
The button is pressed.
ROLUSEIR
The answers have come in.
LAURA
Her highness the queen of cats answers, Yes. She has added a purring as well. She says, O wolf king! When last we embraced in each other’s arms, I believed you when you said it would not be the final time we would meet. It is a delight to happen upon one another here now. I hope someday to know the scent of your coat once more, and the feel of our muzzles brushing together, yours the longer though mine the prettier.
KING Happy sigh.
It is truly her, I am certain. She also... conveyed all of that very, very quickly, I think. Does she have the same kinds of buttons as we do?
BENETHEDES
She does. Cats are known to be very prolific upon these buttons.
ROLUSEIR
Ovathi XI answers, regarding if he is a zoophile, Yes, I love four leggers.
BENETHEDES
Mike7 answers, Yes, animals are hot. I am a human.
LAURA
If you wish, o king, you may commune further, at your leisure.
KING
What... do... you... all... like... about...
(Again, missing a word.)
Where is zoophilia?
BENETHEDES projecting from far away:
Over here, o king!
LAURA
Benethedes, please just, bring all of those over here.
BENETHEDES
But they are arranged in a logical and—
LAURA
I—I understand, but, we will be using those ones. Just, all of those, yes, that entire set that you’re looking at. Just—Thank you.
ROLUSEIR to Laura:
We could have foreseen this.
BENETHEDES arriving with the requested buttons:
Here you go!
Click!
KING
Zoophilia! There, I have asked them, “What do you all like about zoophilia?”
ROLUSEIR
So you have, o king.
LAURA
Her highness the queen of cats answers, Bears. Mice. Robins. Whales. Otters. Giraffes. Dolphins. Sharks. Wolves. Dogs. Variety. Spice. Familiarity. Sweetness. Different. The same. Interesting. Compatible. What else might one want?
ROLUSEIR
Ovathi XI answers, When you have filled a jar with marbles, you have not filled it with matter utterly. Into the jar of marbles you pour in sand, and still, you have not filled it with matter utterly. Into the jar of marbles and sand, you pour in water, and although you cannot think of what else might go in there, you now have the inkling that the jar, somehow, still, is not filled with matter utterly. Horses are filled with compassion utterly. Dogs are filled with compassion utterly. I have seldom seen two two-leggers so immensely conductive to one another’s needs and desires as I have when observing six or more legs live life as one entity, in big ways and in little ways and in ways so small that I cannot even describe them, other than to state that their importance, for completeness, is great and awe-striking.
BENETHEDES
Mike7 answers, I’ve never been around them enough to know about romance or all of that. I just don’t think two leggers look as good as four leggers. Like, I just like looking at a feral wolf all face-down-ass-up glaring playfully and wagging. The way their body torpedoes forward when they run, the way the legs all kinda pass by each other when they walk and trot. And I think the shafts and pussies and stuff look better than human ones, way more interesting, way more like what I would want to imagine if I can imagine anything. Why not imagine cool wolf shaft.
KING
Wow. What a spectacular, captivating piece of technology. My thanks to you all for arranging it and showing it to me.
BENETHEDES
We serve, o king.
ROLUSEIR
You are a king of joys, and here seeing a joy we may bring you, we pounced. We are glad, truly, that seeing it has pleased you so.
KING
Truly well you have served, and truly pleased I am.
LAURA
Of course, it should be known, o king, that others prowl in rooms unlike this one, others who do not share such a kind outlook on zoophilia—
KING
Boooooooriiiiiiing! Come, advisors, let’s bake pie! And eat pie! And perhaps see a play afterwards if anything good is on!
The advisors speak over one another slightly:
The king goes on as they exit:
KING
You know, I once baked a pie that had BLUEBERRIES in it! Can you imagine? Blueberries, a-ha ha ha, in a pie? It came out splendidly! I asked the bakers if they had considered this ingredient before, and they had! You can purchase blueberry pies from quite a number of bakeries, in fact! I think that’s wonderful. I think it’s wonderful that we all can invent blueberry pie, and partake in blueberry pie. It was very good to taste and to invent...
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