4-2.3

In a living room, a HUMAN MOTHER, HUMAN CHILD, and HUMAN FATHER are seated on a couch. In front of them on a big board is a diagram of a family tree.

MAY
Okay Scotty, so, last weekend, at Easter, some people were upset that you didn’t know how you and them were related.

SCOTTY ashamed:
Yeah...

MAY
But, we never taught you how you and them were related, did we?

SCOTTY shakes his head.
Uh-uh.

MAY
So you couldn’t have known, huh?

MAY
So, we’re going to teach you today. We have our family tree here. This is OUR family tree, woooow, see that? Do you see where we are? Look, this is you, riiight here! And there’s us, that’s me, “May,” your mom, and there’s dad, look, there’s “Cliff,” your dad. Do you see how we follow along with the lines on this chart?

SCOTTY
Uh-huh we learned about family trees in school.

MAY
So, who do you think this is?

SCOTTY amused:
I can see her picture that’s grandma.

MAY
But how do you know it’s grandma from the chart?

SCOTTY
Because the line is connected. It goes up one from me to dad and then up one from dad to grandma.

MAY
Wonderful! From the picture, do you see who this is?

SCOTTY
Um. Uncle Jeff but is he actually COUSIN Jeff?

CLIFF proud:
See! He told ya he knows how to read a family tree!

MAY
That’s right, so, if we follow along, your dad Cliff and Jeff’s dad Rosco both have the same mom, Grandma Vivian, or Viv as a lot of people call her. But, Rosco is dad’s OLDER brother, and so, he and his wife had Jeff years and years and years before we had you. So Jeff is older than you, and he seems like your uncle, but actually, he’s your cousin.

SCOTTY
Mhm that makes sense I didn’t know but I understand.

MAY
Now. Over here, with Aunt Lisa, this is something that we probably didn’t tell you about before. Aunt Lisa divorced her first husband, and Uncle Mike is actually her second husband.

MAY
It’s okay. SO, her first husband’s name was Clint, and she had one daughter with Clint, and then they got divorced, and then she got married to Mike, and had another daughter with Mike.

In a living room, SCOTTY and his two girlfriends SHREDDER and ANNA-MARIE are sitting on a couch, with MAY and CLIFF also on the couch to either side of the throuple. In front of them on a big board is a diagram of... a family tree?

SCOTTY
Okay, so. Mom and Dad. My girlfriends and I were talking, and, we felt that you maybe weren’t 100% on the whole ‘queer’ ‘gay’ scene kinda vibe that me and my girlfriends are all part of, and we wanted to OFFER to catch you up on the whole comprehensive web.

MAY
We understand. You’re gay and single but you have a lot of friends who are girls who are lesbians, and you’re very supportive of them, and we admire that of you, you’re a very good friend to people in need.

SCOTTY
That’s. Not correct.

CLIFF
I thought he put it in animals.

SCOTTY
THAT’S, ALSO, oh my god. No that WAS true, and then she DIED of rabies, and so now that was, a long time ago.

MAY
He IS gay now, dear, and just friends with lots of other gay kids.

SCOTTY
Please do not say it like that, that’s, for a lot of reasons that’s not true.

MAY
No it’s true honey, you’re a very good friend to all of these people.

CLIFF
We’re impressed with your selflessness. You’ve really put so much into helping those worse off than you for nothing in return.

SCOTTY
Okay well, no, no this is... Oh boy. Okay. Um. Mom, Dad, on this diagram here, we have, me, and Shredder, who is right here, you’ve met her, and Anna-Marie, right here, you’ve met her as well.

MAY 100% confidence:
Two pretty girlies sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-

SHREDDER
Wait that rules, May you rule actually?

SCOTTY
Okay so YES, Mom, Shredder and Anna-Marie do have a line between them, they are girlfriends with each other, but you see, there’s also, a line, between each of them and me, it’s a triangle. So?

SCOTTY
No, that’s, it’s, more than friends, actually. The lines are people who are having sex with each other.

SCOTTY
So, Shredder, IS my girlfriend, okay, MY, girlfriend. AND, Anna-Marie is my girlfriend, also.

MAY dumbfounded, looking at Shredder and Anna-Marie,
I didn’t know you two were boys- OH I’m sorry, not to say-

SHREDDER
Is your mom single?

SCOTTY amused:
Okay no no no no, Mom, they ARE girls.

MAY
Well I know they “ARE” girls,

SCOTTY
Yes, but, also, they are cisgender girls, they were born and raised as girls.

MAY
Well I know they “were” “born and raised” “as girls,”

ANNA-MARIE to Scotty:
I’m trying dude, I’m trying to come up with the key words that would explain it, but.

SCOTTY
Yeah. Ha. No it’s uh. Okay. So. Mom. Shredder and Anna-Marie are not trans.

Scotty, Shredder, and Anna-Marie glance around amongst themselves to see if they agree that May actually gets it. Yes it seems like she does. Anna-Marie starts idly running her fingertips along Scotty.

SCOTTY
Okay, so, Mom. Me, Shredder, Anna-Marie, all together, makes sense?

MAY
So yyyyou’re a girl now, okay.

SHREDDER
No let’s not move on too hastily, hang on.

SCOTTY
I am happy to date women AND men. I AM gay, but, I am also straight, and I am still a male, okay?

MAY
You can be honest.

SHREDDER
You can be honest Julia.

SCOTTY amused:
NOT helping. Evil.

CLIFF
How many of these people are dogs?

SCOTTY
We’re getting there.

CLIFF
I mean ballpark, 0 percent, 100 percent.

SCOTTY
Kind of 10 percent but kind of 80 percent.

CLIFF
Is it because of furries?

SCOTTY
It, honestly, I mean, yeah, close enough.

MAY
So, does Anna-Marie have a wife? I had assumed that was another friend of yours named Anna-Marie who had a wife, but now I’m wondering again.

SCOTTY excited:
Yes! So! Anna-Marie here does have a wife, who she is married to. The wife’s name is Autumn.

CLIFF
Anna-Marie and Autumn don’t have a line together on this chart.

SCOTTY
No they do not.

CLIFF
You have a line between yourself and Anna-Marie and yourself and Autumn.

CLIFF lowkey impressed:
Wow no okay.

SCOTTY
So, a lot of these people identify as a lot of different species, or genders. I’ve written the quick bullet points under everyone, but, you can also see all of their photos and make of them what you will. Oh, I’ve also written their real names, AND their fursonas’ names, and all of the other aliases, that I’m aware of, although if they’re trans I’ve left out the deadname because we never use those.

MAY
So HERE, LUKE, is the man you’re having sex with right now.

MAY
So HE’S your new real partner.

ANNA-MARIE to Scotty:
No this really makes sense through not-you-vision trust me.

SCOTTY
Sweetie what?

ANNA-MARIE
Oh it’s not RIGHT it’s just that I would assume the same thing.

SCOTTY
Well YOU would.

CLIFF
How many of these people are having internet sex?

SCOTTY
EVERYONE on this chart is having internet sex with EVERYONE else on this chart.

CLIFF
Okay I understand now.

MAY
So you’re all cheating on Autumn?

SCOTTY
Not even kind of!

SHREDDER
She calls us cheating harlots EVERY day.

ANNA-MARIE
She just calls everyone that, she calls people that in traffic.

CLIFF
When do any of you have time to go to work.

SHREDDER
God, right?

MAY
So Scotty, you ARE dating again, wow. Back in the running.

MAY
Oh what is it now?

SCOTTY
Well, in the running for WHAT, is what I’m not sure of in that.

CLIFF
Marriage and children, son.

SCOTTY
No, zero interest.

MAY
So you are homosexual.

SCOTTY
I am pansexual, polyamorous,

SHREDDER
Oh also everyone on this chart is a zoophile or a furry. Or an animal.

SCOTTY
That is true yeah- well no, Mark is just, a guy.

SHREDDER
IS he? Shit bro I thought he was so freaky I didn’t even wanna ask.

SCOTTY
I THINK he’s like, just a normal guy?

ANNA-MARIE
Is Mark not they/them?

SCOTTY
No Mark is he/him.

ANNA-MARIE
Oh he is so they/them coded.

SHREDDER
I sent him a message, ‘Hey are you like ultra freaky secretly or are you mostly super vanilla? What’s the weirdest interests you’re into? Here’s my own favs for a sense of what I’m into if you’re interested in comparing lmao, I think you already know most of these but to be clear these are ones I legitimately am hardcore into,’ and then a list of my favs.

SHREDDER
Mark says he identifies as a little kid I fucking knew it.

ANNA-MARIE
That’s not freaky! By itself? That’s cute!

SHREDDER
He’s still typing.

ANNA-MARIE
Oh pfff, okay, well, we’ll see.

SHREDDER
I think it’s a LITTLE freaky even just by itself.

ANNA-MARIE
Oh it is not.

SHREDDER
I support him being a freak hardcore I’m just saying he is one.

CLIFF
Who makes the costumes?

MAY
Oh what he’s saying is, you’re all attracted to animals, who makes the costumes, for when you’re having sex with each other?

CLIFF
So, Scotty is a girl now and you all wear animal costumes and have orgies, is that what you wanted us to know?

SHREDDER
Yup thanks.

Scotty is frantically trying to keep talking but it is completely muffled by Shredder’s restraints on him.

ANNA-MARIE
Well Mrs May and Mr Cliff, thank you for having this sit-down with us, I think we clarified a lot.

Scotty is really-really trying to talk, Shredder is not letting him go. Everyone is getting up from the couch to leave.

MAY
Well it’s all quite a bit different from how WE used to do it, but, I understand.

SHREDDER
Thank you so much for your understanding.

CLIFF
So let me ask, with the actual dogs, do you have to drug them or do they just take it?

ANNA-MARIE
Oh we sometimes drug them but mostly we just train them to put up with taking it.

Scotty is frantically shouting under Shredder’s hand but his corrections cannot be heard.

CLIFF
Ohhhhhh, huh. I never thought of that.

SHREDDER
You learn something new every day.

ANNA-MARIE
See you two at the Blink concert I gotta sell Erin some smack.

SHREDDER
Kay, make that money babe.

Anna-Marie kisses Shredder who kisses her back, and then kisses Scotty on the forehead while Scotty is still trying to talk under Shredder’s hand. Anna-Marie then leaves.

SHREDDER
I uh. Have to go take her to get her. Gynecologist meeting. Scheduled. She hasn’t had her special snip-snip but she likes to go there and pretend.

CLIFF
Well don’t let us keep ya, thank you for stopping by.

Fam Tree

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