To Thine Own Self Be Zoo


Volume 1
Issue 1
Issue 2
Issue 3
Issue 4
Issue 5
Issue 6
Issue 7
Issue 8
Issue 9
-Issue 10-
Issue 11
Issue 12
Issue α


Volume 1,
Issue 10



Hansel And The Secret Of The Princesses

A Letter of Complaints

The Afternoon That Day

The Renegade Jack of Hearts

A Wizard’s Hookah

Prose Poems





A Letter of Complaints




The model 21-21 is, with the stark exception of three enormous flaws, utterly astounding. When one pets it, it feels exactly like petting a real yellow lab: the smoothity of the fur, and the subtle heat of the skin underneath if you dig in your hand against the grain and press your fingertips in to the skin at the base of the hairs. Every whisker is of perfect placement and length, the eyes are like living gems, the pawpads are at once soft and yet terse and a slight bit ragged around the edges, and when locked around your hips, one has never felt so securely held. The improvement in battery life to three hours of continuous active use deserves a standing ovation. Make no mistake: I write to your team as a long time customer and enjoyer of your business’s creations. If a day has passed when I have not made use of some 21- model, then a day has passed that was wasted.

We must come, though, to the reason of this letter, which is, unfortunately, to highlight the 21-21’s blatant flaws. Not one of these flaws is new, but they are reaching a pattern of being ignored by you that is becoming impossible to forgive. If you cannot write me back with a signed promise that every one of these flaws will be addressed in the next model, then I can promise you now that the release of the 21-22 will see one fewer customer.

Now. To give brief preface to the first flaw. If I were to hold the engorged penis of a live dog in one hand, and the engorged penis of a 21-21 in the other, I would not be able to tell you which one was which. Except, of course, for the one dead giveaway, which is the horrid CLUNK that occurs when the 21-21’s penis is bent backwards! A dog’s penis can move to face backwards with ease! It is an essential aspect of their mating behavior, that the male, after penetrating the female while facing one way, will dismount and remain penetrating the female while facing the other way. It does not pain the male, unless done exceptionally poorly, and the pivoting of the penis from forward-facing to backward-facing occurs as one brief and smooth motion! It does not clunk halfway through like my grandmother’s jalopy shifting gears! It can be easily understood that designs may begin imperfectly, and improve over time. But your team has had years. YEARS. to address this key flaw which has existed since the Sirius alpha. Every other joint of the 21-21 moves as fluidly as purified water. I have seen topic after topic raised in community forums, FOR YEARS, of your customers asking if their 21- is defective, or whether there are plans to fix this shudder-inducing failure of engineering in the next version. Years, people. You have made it clear that you have no such plans to fix this. The anus of the 21-21 morphs itself perfectly to being kissed as though it is kissing the user back, and pulses in perfect harmony with the 21-21’s simulated penile orgasms. And yet, STILL, there is that clunk when turning its penis back. What the technical hurdle is, I cannot imagine, but it will not stand, if you hope for your valued customers to continue to back your products. I have made my point there. On to flaw number two.

What, do you suppose, customers wanted out of the 21-21? I can assure you, in spite of what your marketing propagandists put forth, it was not the addition of human voice options. BOLD of you, by the way, to make that the DEFAULT option, when every beta tester of this product I have spoken to turned that feature off as the very first thing they did, and switched it back to the panting and happy barking of a dog. Of the very few who ever wanted a 21- model to speak in human words, they had installed their own modifications already, I assure you. The human voice was an unwanted solution to a manufactured problem: it was never the selling point of the 21-21. If I wanted a human model, I would go to some other company and get a human model! What do you think I want next, for the 21-22 to make my pancakes in the morning? I will make my own damn pancakes! “To be a companion more real than ever before,” your marketing said. To be clear, and this is not empty flattery, but the utmost truth: as a multiple-times-daily user of the 21-20 model, that model was in very few ways lesser than a live bedroom playmate, and in many ways improved. The ability to call for an emergency deflation of the knot. The ability for them to go for longer than just a handful of eager thrusts. The rounded-off claws that can sensibly retract rather than injuring the submissive’s skin, my hips thank you for. We all, of course, remember how the 21-14 at launch was in fact too realistic in its mounting behavior, and video sharing boards were plagued with disinteresting media of actresses boredly assuming the position for upwards of twenty minutes waiting for the 21- to hit the mark, but this was fixed quickly in a patch which allowed user control of the 21-’s technique, with “realistic” still an option, but “dream fuck” being an instant smash success in the community. “To be a companion more real than ever before...” And yet, we come now to the second key flaw of the 21-21: it has no behavior at all outside of the bedroom. It can flirt, it can dominate, it can submit, it can respond to feedback and improve every aspect of its sex techniques, and yet, it cannot go for a walk, for it has no instinct to walk in front of its leash-holder. It cannot catch a ball! It doesn’t even LOOK at the ball when it’s thrown! When a customer seeks a product as sophisticated as the 21- is, they are looking for more than a dildo machine. How many of us have gone to sleep snuggling their 21-, and been distressed to find it stiff and unresponsive in the morning, battery dead? We know that these things are not alive, not really, but we do think of them as though they were all the same: that is the fantasy. That is the POINT, of YOUR product. I understand it may take some iterations before a 21- and I can blend in seamlessly at the dog park as a pre-sex date. But the fact that I cannot even toss a treat to it afterwards without it plinking off the dumb thing’s head makes it no wonder that so many would-be customers say a 21- couldn’t replace the real thing for them.

For the first two complaints, I was able to lead in with some positive preamble. The 21-21’s penis is truly very good, it merely has one noteworthy defect. The 21-21’s behavioral programming is everything a first-time customer would think to ask for, it merely has an area that is underdeveloped for more devoted appreciators. With this third flaw though, I cannot lead in with anything kind. I can only say it as plainly as the sun is bright in the hopes that it sinks in through the skull of whoever may read this on the design team. How, in the name of GOD, THE LORD, THE CREATOR, THE HOLY GHOST, YAHWEY, I AM THAT I AM, CHRIST THE SAVIOR, and ANY other name you can think to call him by, HOW, does the 21-21 STILL NOT FEATURE ANY SMELLS? You pat its head, and it is warm and soft: you bury your nose in its head, and it’s like burying your nose in a dollar store broom! Its pawpads smell like NOTHING! Its sheath has NO musk! Eating its ass is like tonguing at a piece of hairy gum that you had already chewed all the flavor out of a week ago! I do understand completely that not all smells are for everyone, and some customers may even be turned off by dog smells that were in any way accurate. LET THOSE COWARDS SUFFER. Or, as a compromise, MAKE SMELLS AN OPTIONAL FEATURE. The fact that smells have not even been attempted, for a creature as perfectly scented as the dog, is disgraceful, and you will never regain favor in my sight or in my wallet until an earnest step has been made towards remedying this error.









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Most within Volume I written by Eggshell Ghosthearth.

This website contains works of literature, including narrative fiction, creative nonfiction, and poetry. Within this literature, any resemblances to any existing copyrighted materials, trademarks, or persons is completely coincidental, or is used for artistic purposes within the bounds of Public Domain, Fair Use, or Public Figure Status. Much of the literature on this site contains themes of sexuality, though is at no point intended to be pornographic. To Thine Own Self Be Zoo is a personal project and is not a for-profit endeavor.