Definitely John *******’s True Thoughts On Zoophilia

Definitely John *******’s True Thoughts On Zoophilia, first in the series of partially redacted real life celebrities’ true thoughts about romance, sex, and empathy between humans and nonhuman animals as informed by their life experiences.

One day on August 7th, when John ******* was twenty years old, he and his friend (let’s call him Leslie) were each drinking from their own bottle of Wild Turkey Kentucky straight bourbon whiskey as they sat below a birch tree at night, looking out at the shimmering moonlit waters of Lake Lester. Leslie had secretly poured his bottle into a pitcher and placed the pitcher in the fridge, and filled his Wild Turkey bottle with water for the night. Having been friends since they were kids, and having recently moved in together as roommates, Leslie was planning to tell something to John that he had only recently come to terms with about himself.

As laughter from a dirty limerick John had recited faded off, Leslie saw his window of opportunity. Leslie said, “John, I have to tell you something.”

John responded with silence, listening attentively.

“I’m not attracted to people. To humans, I mean. I have sex with horses instead.”

In front of the moonlit Lake Lester, John and Leslie hugged.

The next day, John did not remember this conversation or even that they had gone to the lake, as he had already been blacked out for several hours. Over the course of the next few weeks, Leslie would often make observations about attractive horses on the TV, in paintings, in books, and in sculptures, and John would laugh these observations off as jokes. Sometimes Leslie did sort of mean them as jokes, and so he took it all in stride. Then one day, when John and Leslie were walking through a nature trail and happened to pass by a farmer’s field where horses were grazing, Leslie hornily whistled.

“Okay, what is with you lately?” John finally asked.

Leslie was hurt by this. “I really thought you were cool about it man.”

“Cool about what?” John asked.

As the conversation continued they both realized what had happened, and although in doing so Leslie had essentially outed himself anyways, he made a point of formally coming out once again: he was not attracted to humans; he was attracted to horses. On the nature trail by the field with the grazing horses, John and Leslie hugged, and John dared Leslie to climb over the fence and do one there in broad daylight for God and the world to see, which Leslie, feeling embiggened, did. John watched pridefully.

To this day, John endorses sexual relations between humans and horses. He does think dog zoos are weird. He thinks they’re probably cool and all, he’s just a bit weirded out by it, like, that’s the family dog, how are you going to look at that and think sexy thoughts. Again, he thinks they’re probably cool and he’s happy to look the other way, he just personally doesn’t get it.