Jaguar Herpes
PATIENT is sitting in a chair in a doctor’s office. As he is idly looking around, he scratches his groin, but quickly stops when he hears a knock at the door.
After the knock, DOCTOR enters. She sits down in her swivel chair, and looks at PATIENT. She gives him a look as though she’s puzzling something out, tilting her head and putting a hand to her chin.
DOCTOR
Your lab results came back, you have jaguar herpes.
PATIENT immediately defensive:
Is “jaguar” like, a specific version of normal herpes?
DOCTOR
It’s herpes that you get from having sex with a jaguar. Big cat with the spots.
PATIENT
Do jaguars even have herpes?
DOCTOR
Yes all of them, it’s one of the only STIs an animal can give to a human actually. In most cases we’re different species and the STIs kinda just bounce off, so if you’re looking at bestiality,
PATIENT interrupting:
Woah woah woah, no one has said anything about BESTIALITY.
DOCTOR
Well, it’s, jaguar herpes. You get it from having sex with a jaguar.
PATIENT
Could it happen if like, someone was AROUND a jaguar?
DOCTOR amused:
It’s not airborne.
PATIENT
But like, if a jaguar sat somewhere, and then later a human sat there, is there like, a chance that maybe her rash could get onto him?
PATIENT
Not even a one in a thousand chance?
DOCTOR
It’s transmitted by a jaguar’s sloppy pussy juice interacting with a human’s precum and then going back up the dickhole, it’s innate unless the jaguar is VERY aroused and the human penis is SIGNIFICANTLY involved.
PATIENT
Okay okay okay sure, but a human can also get it from ANOTHER HUMAN who has it.
DOCTOR
No the jaguar pussy juice is crucial.
PATIENT
Ugh, well, maybe someone was just, working on jaguar breeding and then ate lunch without washing their hands?
PATIENT
Well I’m just saying! It sounds like there could be a lot of different ways it COULD spread around!
DOCTOR
Nnnno it’s from having sex with a jaguar. The first research papers on it actually said "masturbating using a jaguar" even to refer to like, an alive, aroused jaguar.
Pause.
PATIENT scratches his groin. Then he suddenly moves his hand away, and says,
DOCTOR totally nonjudgmental, “nah don’t worry about it”:
No I understand.
PATIENT
I just think there must be other tests we can do, to figure out if it might be something else.
DOCTOR
What do you do for a living?
PATIENT busted.
I work in a... zoo.
DOCTOR
What’s your job in the zoo?
DOCTOR
Do you work days, nights?
Awkward pause.
DOCTOR
It’s probably jaguar herpes.
PATIENT
It’s probably jaguar herpes.
DOCTOR
Shortly before the itching started do you recall if you had sex with a jaguar?
PATIENT
Shortly before the itching started... it is true... that I did... now that you mention it... have a little bit of sex with a jaguar. She was eyefucking me through the glass, how could I not get in there, you know?
DOCTOR flourishes a prescription paper:
Take one of these every day for the itching, also kangaroos have gonorrhea and most gorillas have syphilis.
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Most within To Thine Own Self Be Zoo written by Eggshell Ghosthearth.
This website contains works of literature, including narrative fiction, creative nonfiction, and poetry. Within this literature, any resemblances to any existing copyrighted materials, trademarks, or persons is completely coincidental, or is used for artistic purposes within the bounds of Public Domain, Fair Use, or Public Figure Status. Much of the literature on this site contains themes of sexuality, though is at no point intended to be pornographic. To Thine Own Self Be Zoo is a personal project and is not a for-profit endeavor.
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