To Thine Own Self Be Zoo

Volume 1
Issue 1
Issue 2
Issue 3
Issue 4
Issue 5
Issue 6
Issue 7
Issue 8
Issue 9
Issue 10
Issue 11
Issue 12
Issue α

Volume 2
Issue 1
-Issue β-
Issue 2

Volume 2,
Issue β

False Flag For Funsies

If I Weren’t A Zoophile Skit

Zoo Phonetic Alphabet


If I Weren’t A Zoophile Skit

In this skit format, all performers stand side by side facing the audience. Together, all performers sing the following chorus:

If I weren’t a Zoophile
There’s nothing I’d rather be!
But if I weren’t a Zoophile,

Then, the performer furthest to one side will step forward and announce what they would be, and do a little chant about it twice. After this, all performers sing the chorus again. Then, the next person down the line announces what they would be, does a little chant about their role twice, and repeats themselves as the first person does their chant again over the top of them. This repeats, until by the end all performers are shouting their different chants over the top of one another. In the end, the chorus is sung one last time in a modified fashion, where the performers announce in a heartfelt tone, “Why, there’s nothing I’d rather be.”

If I weren’t a Zoophile
Why, there’s nothing I’d rather be.

The chants of each performer are generally accompanied by a little pantomime or dance that relates to what they are chanting.

Some performers may have a role where they break from the format in a comedic way, often to do some kind of interaction with the other performers or with the audience.

Depending on the number of performers participating, a variety of roles can be used or discarded. Performers may also come up with their own roles that are not listed here if they’d like to! But these are some ideas for roles that a performer may have.

This is a version of the skit that would have nine roles: A Furry, A Dog Breeder, A Philosopher, A Pirate, A Werewolf, A Tree, A Bear, A Faunophile, and A Loser.

A Furry

The furry does a cute little dance, perhaps swiping with hands that are balled up like paws, and then striking a cheerleading pose.

Why, a furry I would be!

UwU, Maws are hot!
Also I like tails and knots!

A Dog Breeder

The dog breeder does a cheesy seductive dance, rocking left and right as they chant.

Why, a dog breeder I would be!

Take my hand Lucky,
It’s time to make a puppy!

A Philosopher

The philosopher stands upright with a grave demeanor, hands clasped behind their back. Perhaps they gesticulate with one hand, or place the hand on their chin in thought. Or, perhaps their hands simply remain clasped behind their back. Rather than repeating the same line over and over again, the philosopher improvises new variations on their line each time it is said.

Why, a philosopher I would be!

What IS an animal?
Is a human an animal?
Is a dog an animal?
Is a fish an animal?
Is a muskrat an animal?
Is a tree an animal?
Is the planet an animal?
Is the moon an animal?
Is God an animal?
(Turning to an adjacent performer) Are YOU an animal?

A Pirate

The pirate gesticulates with a hand that is balled into a fist but with one curled finger extended, mimicking a hook hand. They close one eye and snarl, mimicking an eyepatch and a gruff demeanor. Doing a pirate voice and projecting at a very loud volume is encouraged.

Why, a pirate I would be!

Mermaid, manatee,
Capture either one for me!

A Werewolf

The werewolf holds all fingers out splayed and curled like claws, crouches, and generally assumes the posture a werewolf might be seen to have. The werewolf breaks from format, merely howling for arbitrary lengths of time as everyone else chants to the same measures they had been doing before. Sometimes the werewolf may turn and howl while facing away from the audience.

Why, a werewolf I would be!


A Tree

After announcing what they are, the tree throws both arms into the air in a way that mimics tree branches, and remains frozen and silent for the remainder of the sketch.

Why, a tree I would be!

A Bear

Dependant on the “Tree” role being present. Likely, the bear comes just after the tree. Like the tree, the bear does not have any lines after their initial announcement. The bear will begin throwing back against the tree, ostensibly to scratch their back as bears do in the wild, though it certainly appears that the bear is putting on a show. The performers for the tree and the bear should discuss beforehand if they are comfortable doing these roles together, and discuss how much the bear intends to do, for example, adding a moment where the bear turns around and kisses the tree on the lips briefly may be comedic and unexpected, but should certainly not be done if the tree does not want that.

Why, a bear I would be!

A Faunophile

Dependant on the “Bear” and “Tree” roles being present. Likely, the faunophile comes just after the bear. The faunophile breaks from format, and does not do a chant in the same measure as everyone else. Instead, they begin cheering on the bear, applauding and voicing how hot they think the bear’s back-scratching is.

Why, a faunophile I would be!

Awww yeah!
Aw that’s what I’m talking about!

A Loser

Breaking from format, the loser runs around and gesticulates desperately, criticizing the other performers and telling them to stop being what they are. Lines may be improvised or performed as written. Likely, the loser is the last performer in the skit: at some point midway through the loser’s performance, the werewolf will stop howling and go to the bear, if both are present, tap the bear on the shoulder, and the two will whisper into one another’s ears and nod, and begin walking towards the loser. The faunophile, if present, perhaps wanders away, hands in their pockets, kicking at the ground and moping. Once the loser has criticized everybody, the bear and the werewolf will run forth and carry the loser off stage, the bear and the werewolf each grabbing under one of the loser’s arms as the loser tucks in their legs to facilitate the carrying.

Why, a loser I would be!

To the faunophile: “No, you shouldn’t find that sexy! Bears aren’t doing that for you, oh my god!”

To the bear: “Dial it back, bear! Do you know that you’re encouraging people to be zoophiles?”

To the audience: “And why are YOU watching this?”

To the werewolf: “You do NOT have permission to hump a wolf-wolf, if you were thinking about it! I WILL call the police if I see you at it!”

To the pirate: “PER. VERT. WHYYYY? Why would you want a manatee? Why would you even want a mermaid, the fish half is the bottom! MAYBE if you wanted a blowjob I could approve! And that’s IF I didn’t think you would be thinking about the fish half during, which seems doubtful given the manatee comment!”

To the philosopher: “A man is not an animal! I mean, man IS an animal, but not in THAT way!”

To the dog breeder: “You’re fine.”

To the furry: “Oh my god, SHUT UP about maws and tails and knots!”

General Notes

Be confident and have fun! Project so that all can hear. The point is that things get very chaotic and difficult to understand as the skit goes on, so it is okay to be shouting over somebody else.


Most within To Thine Own Self Be Zoo written by Eggshell Ghosthearth.

This website contains works of literature, including narrative fiction, creative nonfiction, and poetry. Within this literature, any resemblances to any existing copyrighted materials, trademarks, or persons is completely coincidental, or is used for artistic purposes within the bounds of Public Domain, Fair Use, or Public Figure Status. Much of the literature on this site contains themes of sexuality, though is at no point intended to be pornographic. To Thine Own Self Be Zoo is a personal project and is not a for-profit endeavor.