Arbitration

BRYCE and MATEO, the prosecuting attorneys, are sitting in an office together, looking at a few items of discovery material.

BRYCE
Goddddd dammit.

MATEO
This isn’t good.

BRYCE and MATEO are both currently looking at color-printed sheet of paper that shows two images side by side; on the left is a human’s face with blonde hair and stubble, and on the right is a Doberman who is photographed midway through licking his lips.

BRYCE
I hate how hot he is. God. Dammit.

MATEO
They’re gonna have this really big?

BRYCE
Yeah, blown up on a big poster board, behind the defendant.

BRYCE
Can YOU come up with a reason this shouldn’t be admitted?

MATEO
I mean, that’s him, isn’t it?

BRYCE
Yeah, the left one is one of his old profile pics, the right one is his current profile pic.

MATEO
I think they’ll be allowed to put it up then.

BRYCE makes a pistol gesture with his hand, and pantomimes shooting himself in the head.

MATEO
Yeah buddy, too late now, we just gotta go out there and make it look like we tried everything we could.

BRYCE
Let’s get this horseshit over with.

MATEO
That’s the spirit.

BRYCE
Why did he have to be FUCKING HOT.

The Doberman seen in the picture earlier, TANGERINE BLAKE, is seated nearby the judge in the witness stand. A bench has been brought up for him to sit on in the witness stand, rather than trying to make the dog sit awkwardly on a human chair.

Attorneys BRYCE and MATEO are seated at the prosecution table. BRYCE is acting busy reading some papers in his hands.

Tangerine Blake’s friends LISA, GABRIELA, ANA, ABBY, CAITLYN, and ALICE are seated at the defense table. LISA is chewing bubble gum.

JUDGE PARKER
Yes, something you’d like to raise?

GABRIELA
Can we put up Tanjey’s poster before we start?

JUDGE PARKER
Any objection?

BRYCE
Your honor we have reviewed the defense’s last-minute discovery material, and I am going to OBJECT to this so-called “poster” being admitted into evidence, it is IRRELEVANT to the matter at hand what Mr Tangerine Blake HAPPENED to look like BEFORE any of the events in question. The older picture is in fact the one he used on a different website than the one in question here today, I see no reason this should be allowed to be presented.

JUDGE PARKER
Any other basis for your objection?

BRYCE
To clarify, I am specifically objecting to the left half of the proposed exhibit. The right half, which reflects how Mr Tangerine Blake looks today, I have no objection to, albeit that it may be redundant with Mr Tangerine Blake before us here today. But the left half, the much older photo, I don’t think it should be shown, it is NOT relevant, it has NO basis to be admitted.

JUDGE PARKER
Thank you. I will find that the exhibit IS relevant, based on reviewing the defendant’s outlined theory of defense. It also, I believe, will help us better understand the context for... well, I don’t want to put words in anyone’s mouth, but I believe the photographs will help us all understand Mr Tangerine Blake’s background, inasfar as is relevant to this case’s facts. So, YES, Ms Gabriela, you may bring the image up to the witness stand. I trust you will be marking this as Exhibit 1?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Yes your honor, the defense presents this image that Ms Gabriela is bringing up here as Exhibit 1.

GABRIELA approaches the witness stand, and places a very large printout of the image we have seen before up on an easel behind the Doberman. After doing this, Gabriela cups her hand under the Doberman’s jaw, and gives him a big smooch on the side of the muzzle. She then proceeds back to the defense table. As she is returning to the defense table, TANGERINE BLAKE, the Doberman, gives a kiss to the back of one of his own forepaws, and then “blows” the kiss off of his forepaw aimed at Gabriela.

BRYCE sits with his head down, rubbing his forehead with his hand, shaking his head.

JUDGE PARKER
Any other preliminary matters? From the plaintiff?

MATEO
No your honor.

JUDGE PARKER
From the defense?

TANGERINE BLAKE
No your honor.

JUDGE PARKER
We are here today to settle a matter, LyrpicsPages Vs Blake Herington. On behalf of LyrpicsPages we have attorneys seated at the prosecution table, and, on behalf of Blake Herington, we have, Blake Herington himself, seated in the witness stand. LyrpicsPages, which is... a social media website... brings the allegation that Mr Herington, a user of this website, through his conduct on the LyrpicsPages website, caused significant damages to the website’s public reputation. Furthermore, LyrpicsPages alleges that Mr Herington’s conduct was in violation of a user agreement on the website, which, as one of its rules, expressly forbid using the platform’s services to transmit images of bestiality, which, they allege Mr Herington did do. Have I misstated anything thus far?

TANGERINE BLAKE
No your honor.

MATEO
No your honor.

JUDGE PARKER
See, I told you, I’m pretty sharp for at least the first five minutes after I’ve had my first caffeinated beverage of the day.

JUDGE PARKER
To be clear to the jurors and to the public, this is NOT a court of law. HOWEVER, the parties have agreed that the decision we reach here today WILL be honored by both parties, in a way which WILL be considered legally binding. One big difference between this and a real court is, we’ll probably have this all wrapped up before lunch and I might in fact bump into some of you in line at the Chipotle on Jefferson, how ’bout that?

JUDGE PARKER
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you—

TANGERINE BLAKE
Your honor?

JUDGE PARKER
Oh, yes?

TANGERINE BLAKE
I believe eleven of the jurors are wearing nonbinary pride accessories, I see some earrings, necklaces, a REALLY nice flannel.

BRYCE’s face is fully making contact with the table in front of himself. MATEO is patting him on the back.

JUDGE PARKER
Oh! So I should instead say... citizens of the jury...

One JUROR snort-laughs very loudly, and then covers their face. The laughter spreads to other jurors, the gallery, the defense table, the witness stand.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Good, good citizens of the jury, it will be up to YOU to decide the facts of this case, based on what is presented before you here today. The attorneys representing LyrpicsPages will be asking that the defendant fork over 1.2 million dollars for damages. The defendant is making a counter offer of 0 dollars. It will be up to you to decide an amount that the defendant will owe to the plaintiff, whether that be 1.2 million dollars, 0 dollars, or somewhere therebetween.

JUDGE PARKER
Thank you, Mr Herington.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Oh, you’re totally welcome, and, please, I don’t really go by Mr Herington, I think just about everyone knows me as Tangerine Blake.

ABBY
WE LOVE YOU TANJEY!!

JUDGE PARKER
Mr Tangerine Blake, being that you are the defendant in this arbitration, you are allowed the floor first if you so choose, OR, as the plaintiff is the one bringing the accusation against you, you may defer the floor to them to explain their accusation, if you so choose.

TANGERINE BLAKE
I would like to speak first.

JUDGE PARKER
Very well.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Good morning everyone. I don’t know about all of you, but, personally, all day I have been dreaming about the beach, with the weather being as nice as it is today. Standing on the warm, warm sand, and feeling this residual heat from Papa Sun himself traveling up out of this baked ground, soaking the heat up through my paw pads, standing there with my tongue lolled out, breathing in the hot air rapidly so that it actually cools me off, and just basking in how nice the day is. Going out into the heat to pant and cool off, heh. I love it.

TANGERINE BLAKE (cont’d)
So, at the risk of sounding goofy, I want to clarify to everyone that I am not a hologram. I am, in effect, a real Doberman Pinscher. But, I wasn’t always. Most of my life, I looked like this guy, back here.

TANGERINE BLAKE turns and swipes a paw at the image behind himself, indicating the left half of the image which shows a human.

TANGERINE BLAKE
But then, in August of last year, I was Freaky Friday’d with a Doberman Pinscher who I met at a party, and I have spent every moment of my life since as an animal, while that Doberman is now walking around with my former human body.

BRYCE
Your honor, I am going to OBJECT to the term “Freaky Friday’d” to refer to Mr Tangerine Blake’s change in appearance. I think calling it “Freaky Friday”-ing implies some kind of karmic basis for the body swap, some kind of grand moral lesson that both Mr Tangerine Blake and the dog were supposed to learn from being forced to live their lives as each other. I believe that that is NOT the case, I believe that Mr Tangerine Blake simply lives such a life of hedonistic indulgences and flippant decision making that he simply was presented with the opportunity to body swap with a dog and didn’t even really think about it much before agreeing.

TANGERINE BLAKE
You are COMPLETELY right about that. I can call it a “body swap” instead of “getting Freaky Friday’d” if that makes things more clear.

JUDGE PARKER
Very well.

TANGERINE BLAKE
So, um. Yeah, I body swapped with a Doberman Pinscher at a party, and, that’s why there is a talking Doberman Pinscher, talking to you from the witness stand, that’s all there is to that part of it. To back up for more context... Basically, my job is being a science communicator, mostly on the internet although I did have a television show for a few years, and I have appeared in papers, journals, what have you. But yeah, I make videos and blogs that tell people about scientific investigations into different questions of the universe. And it’s not so much my job to find out the answers to those questions myself, but it’s... to make the questions and the process of solving them interesting to a big audience, so that more people, smarter people than me frankly, may become interested in solving these things, and then we can all grow, progress, advance, you know.

CAITLYN gives a cute playful wave to Tangerine Blake. TANGERINE BLAKE does a little giggle and wags.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Caitlyn. But yeah so anyways, in the course of making these videos, I have met quite a lot of other creators, at first I kind of stayed within the science bubble, although, eventually I started forming connections with all different types of influencers. And it has come to be the case that, to meet all of these people and foster constructive relationships with all different types of creators, I attend a LOT of parties.

ANA gives a cute playful wave to Tangerine Blake, copying after Caitlyn’s wave. TANGERINE BLAKE again wags.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Ana. And so um, while attending these parties, you know, human beings aren’t all too different from our fellow mammals, as they say, and, I have often had occasion to mate with females at these functions. And, I guess, earlier on in my career, some people were trying to paint this as scandalous, somehow? And, at the encouragement of one of my dear friends who I was getting with at one party, she said I should just film it, and post the videos online. And so, that’s what I started doing. Not every single time I hooked up, but, pretty regularly, I will post videos of some of the sexual escapades that I get up to at these parties. I just post those among all of the science communication. It’s just part of the pastiche of a life being lived, you know?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hiii Abby. And so, bear in mind, this was all the case while I was a human. And then, when I got body swapped with a dog, I guess it didn’t occur to me to stop posting these same kinds of videos. Because, from my perspective, it’s really kind of the same thing as it ever was, I’m having sex with really enchanting women, and sharing what a good time it is. It’s sex positivity and it’s also just, you know, admittedly kind of fun to brag a little bit about the beautiful people I get to spend such close time with.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Gabriela. Hi Alice. So, obviously, I am a dog now, and so it looks like bestiality when I have sex with homo sapiens women. And, like I said, I never really thought much about that I guess, beyond going, ha, oh hey, some women are more into that than I would have guessed.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Gabriela. So, because this sex looks like bestiality now, I was asked pretty severely NOT to post any more sex videos to any of the big social media websites. I mean, I say I was “asked,” actually what happened is in the course of 24 hours I was fully banned from these places where I had a few hundred thousand followers apiece, and then, over the following weeks, I was able to get most of the accounts restored, but, the deal was that those kinds of posts couldn’t happen anymore, the ones I had already made had to be deleted, and, I wouldn’t be allowed to post new ones of a similar nature, or I would get banned again. And, that was disappointing. I wished people at these websites would see it like I do, but, explaining my story didn’t really change anyone’s hearts. Rules were rules, to these websites. But thennn...

BRYCE and MATEO both lean back in their chairs, meeting the Doberman’s stare. BRYCE fakes a small yawn, covering his mouth, attempting to look bored.

TANGERINE BLAKE
A website I had never heard of, called LyrpicsPages, reached out to me. They said that they were a social media startup, and that, as long as I was never convicted on bestiality charges, they would be eager to host any videos that I posted on their platform.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hiii Alice. So, basically a win-win, I start posting my videos again, the first one was with Alice and that felt SO good, you are just, woof, you do things to me, you make me feel ways I like to feel, baby.

ABBY puts a hand on Caitlyn’s shoulder and begins massaging the shoulder. CAITLYN turns to Abby, and CAITLYN and ABBY kiss.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Abby. So, yeah again, win-win for me and for LyrpicsPages, I get to keep expressing this thing that others want me to feel shame for and I’m like, ha, nope, and then LyrpicsPages also gets... frankly all of their traffic, ALMOST, was from my videos, for quite a number of months. Eventually the site did gain sooome other viral attractions that brought more users in, but, my videos of hooking up with friends remained the main thing that the majority of users were coming to this website for. Figuratively speaking, LyrpicsPages was my website.

JUDGE PARKER
From the prosecution table?

BRYCE
No your honor. The LyrpicsPages website is not, nor has it ever been, in ANY sense, “owned” by Mr Herington. But he said he was speaking figuratively, so, he is entitled to his opinion.

JUDGE PARKER
Okay. The witness may continue, if you had more.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Yeah! The whole reason we’re here! Sorry for kicking off a chain of events that miiighta led to everyone being HERE instead of the BEACH on such a nice day, but uh, now that we ARE here, now we have to talk at least briefly about the thing I did that was uh, oops, was, heheh, well, what I did here was controversial, I guess.

GABRIELA
Call me. After this, call me.

ANA retrieves a red popsicle, seemingly from her purse, seemingly already unwrapped. ANA and ABBY take turns licking it as Ana holds it up between them.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Gabriela. Hi Ana. Hi Abby. So, very much on the theme of my “flippant decision making,” you know, just, doing things that feel right in the moment... I was at a party. And, my friend Susan was also at the party. And her girlfriend Megan was at the party as well. And me and Megan really, really, and I mean REALLY hit it off. We were like, magnetically being drawn into one another, I just felt so... under the spell of everything she did. It just so happens... that Megan is also a Doberman Pinscher. Susan, my friend, is a human lady, and she happens to be girlfriends with her Doberman Pinscher, whose name is Megan. And Megan isn’t... Well, no, I can’t even bring myself to say, “Megan isn’t a talking dog like I am,” because that seems so, so, so strongly to be missing the mark. After the bond, that, CONNECTION, that me and Megan shared that night, I fully believe regular dogs are blessed the same as we are with VERY full, complete minds. There’s no difference. They are people in exactly the same way you and I are people. But, Megan is a regular dog, quote-unquote, and that becomes relevant to what happens next, that eventually brings us all here today.

TANGERINE BLAKE (cont’d)
So, as you may see coming at this point, me and Megan hooked up at this party. In that moment it just felt so obvious that it was right to do. There was not even a moment where doubt arose to me as an idea. Not any kind of inkling that, oh, this is, you know, “bestiality,” and so I shouldn’t. I was having sex with my friend Susan’s girlfriend while Susan filmed it. It felt good, I felt really happy with what Megan and I were sharing that night and that Susan was on board with it and that we had all gotten to hit it off so incredibly well. And um, woof, dog anatomy, of my own breed no less, would you believe it felt like, OH, I have been MISSING OUT, oh-KAY, yes MA’AM.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Alice. So, now we’re here. Because Susan sends me the video, and I post it to my LyrpicsPages profile, thinking, ha, people will get a kick out of this one I bet, like, oh this is a little funny, this is kinda filling a conclusion that seemed like it was inevitably going to happen someday. I go home and I go to bed, not thinking much about that side of all of it, I’m mainly still just swimming in euphoria at the actual events with Megan and Susan, you know. And then, the next day, I see that my profile has been removed. And I google myself, and, I see headlines about, Tangerine Blake, controversial edutainment influencer, at it again. So uh. Oops. Here we go again, apparently.

TANGERINE BLAKE (cont’d)
So THAT is where LyrpicsPages has decided to say that I crossed a line, where, they say that I did something that was beyond what their invitation’s scope had been. They also claim—and I dispute this—that my activity on their website had ALWAYS brought shame to their website. That. Is. Bogus. They invited me, in their own words, EAGERLY, specifically FOR content that looks to the untrained eye exactly like bestiality. If they didn’t want me anymore, fair enough, bygones can be bygones, but to act like this hadn’t always been EXACTLY the arrangement they wanted, and to take legal action requesting 1.2 million dollars from me in damages? Absolutely cowardly, pathetic, desperate, and unflattering behavior from the LyrpicsPages team. People of the jury, I would like you to send them home with 0 dollars today. I think it’s what is fair. I think it’s the only measurement that makes sense. Thank you.

ANA and ABBY have finished their popsicle and are now taking turns dabbing the red residue off of each other’s mouths with a damp wipe.

TANGERINE BLAKE
And uh, I think at this point, just to cover any topics that I might have glossed over too quickly, my friend Lisa was going to ask me some questions to guide the conversation from here.

LISA
Yes. First of all, I would also like to say, good morning, citizens of the jury.

LISA
Tangerine Blake, have you ever received money to perform in pornography, or otherwise been paid for any sexual services?

TANGERINE BLAKE
No, it’s actually cost me quite a lot of opportunities professionally.

LISA
Elaborate on that.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Many uh... traditional educational entities, are very averse to working with someone who has had a sex video leak, or someone who has shared one intentionally as is the case with me. I fully believe that my sex videos are the basis for why my TV show was never renewed in spite of it performing well. Although, I never actually got much of an explanation from the network so I can’t say what the reasoning was for sure, they, mainly stopped returning my phone calls, in a way that FEELS very similar to how I’ve been ghosted by other traditional media entities. And so it’s stuff like that.

LISA
Are you married or engaged?

LISA
Is anyone mad at you for the multitude of different sexual partners you sleep with?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Yeah my aunt is concerned for my soul. Not everyone approves. But, all of my sexual partners themselves are cool with it.

LISA
Are you heterosexual, bisexual, something else?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Um, it’s mostly the ladies who make me feel really excited and make me feel special, but I’m not afraid of penises, I have done homosexual things now and then, like, just me and a cute man, it has happened. Actually, one thing I really do like doing is going down on a dude, WITH a woman, so it’s like, me and her are on the same team, it’s like I’ve been invited to tag in on Team Woman, and our goal or whatever is to suck this dude’s dick super good until he cums. And it IS gay but it BARELY feels gay when you’re kissing this woman and just happen to be doing it around this phallus.

ANA play-faints onto Gabriela. ABBY, with a fold-out hand fan, waves cool air at Ana.

BRYCE
Your honor, objection, this is OFF TOPIC.

JUDGE PARKER
Um. Sorry, I was, really following along, imagining that. I forgot, um, what WAS the relevance of that description, to the matter at hand?

LISA
I was getting there.

JUDGE PARKER
Okay, you can continue, just, keep the attorney’s objection in mind.

LISA
Roger. So, Tangerine Blake, circling back to the question, are you saying that you are sexually active with primarily cisgender women, occasionally cisgender men?

TANGERINE BLAKE
OH my gosh, sorry, I didn’t even remember to clarify. Um, that IS accurate, that MOST of these people are cisgender yes, but also a nonzero number of them are not. There are genderqueer, trans, and nonbinary folks who are part of what I was describing sometimes.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Alice.

JUDGE PARKER
Ms Lisa, I’m not completely sure that that has brought us closer to the topic at hand?

LISA
Mr Tangerine Blake, these sexual escapades you describe, such as going down on a dude alongside women,

LISA
were these things that you did when you had a human body, or that you have started doing now that you have a dog body?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Hi Alice. Lisa, the truth is, nothing changed. I did these things as a human, and then when I was a dog, I just kept on.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Yes.

LISA
I don’t have anything else your honor.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Thank you so much, Lisa. Your honor, the defense will now defer the floor to the plaintiff for their case.

JUDGE PARKER
Very well. The floor is yours, attorneys for the LyrpicsPages website.

MATEO
Thank you your honor, and thank you for taking us through the background of all of this, Mr Tangerine Blake. People of the jury, I am not here today to tell you that Mr Tangerine Blake is “evil.” I am not here with the power, NOR the desire, to put him behind bars for anything he’s done. But I want to be very clear about one thing, and one thing alone: He cannot have it both ways. LyrpicsPages eagerly offered him a platform on the basis that he was still a human, and his HUMAN rights were being trampled upon. A human does not have the right to have sex with an animal. If after he switched, he had ALWAYS from that point forward had sex with other dogs instead, then maybe THAT could have been the way that he chose to have it. But to do one, and then the other? The logic doesn’t add up in his favor: any way you cut it, Mr Tangerine Blake has performed bestiality. He CANNOT have it both ways. Thank you.

BRYCE
Mr Tangerine Blake, did you read the user agreement on LyrpicsPages, when signing up for the website?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Yes, I did read that very thoroughly, Mr Bryce.

BRYCE
Does the user agreement say anything about bestiality content?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Videos and pictures depicting bestiality are forbidden on the LyrpicsPages website, according to the user agreement.

BRYCE
Did you ever upload any videos or pictures to the LyrpicsPages website depicting bestiality?

TANGERINE BLAKE
I don’t believe bestiality exists.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Like I said earlier, between the consciousnesses of humans and the consciousnesses of dogs, there is NO difference. We are the same thing. Every living being. I am a dog and I am a human. Just like I am a man but I’ve had fun playing on Team Woman in bed.

BRYCE
Are you proposing the argument that bestiality is morally good?

TANGERINE BLAKE
That would be an equally meaningless statement as “bestiality is morally bad,” to me. The “bestiality” keyword is a red herring, it sounds alarming but it’s not the thing that matters. If we were talking about abuse, mistreatment, THAT would matter. If not, who cares?

BRYCE
Mr Tangerine Blake, I cannot believe what I am hearing right now, that BESTIALITY is somehow defensible in your view.

TANGERINE BLAKE
That’s not really what I said.

BRYCE
So you DO think bestiality is wrong?

TANGERINE BLAKE
I think you’re just making up misstatements to put in my mouth at this point.

BRYCE
Mr Tangerine Blake, you can’t keep dancing around these questions, you need to commit to what your position actually is here.

TANGERINE BLAKE
Oh I’m very afraid of commitment.

Laughter from the gallery and the jury box. LISA sadly lets herself slump over onto Gabriela, GABRIELA gives comforting pats to Lisa.

BRYCE
Mr Tangerine Blake, how would YOU define bestiality?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Well that is the crux of our disagreement, maybe, is that I WOULDN’T define bestiality. I DON’T care about whatever framework would have to exist for bestiality to mean anything.

BRYCE
But you agreed to the user agreement?

TANGERINE BLAKE
I proceeded with making the account, so, yes, I think so.

BRYCE
But you had no intention of actually abiding by the user agreement that you had agreed to?

TANGERINE BLAKE
I am saying that it would be impossible TO post bestiality content, when bestiality isn’t a real thing. And, again. You invited a dog to the website to post his sex videos. So. I think your position is very weak.

BRYCE
I don’t need your opinion, Mr Herington.

JUDGE PARKER
Are you... done examining the witness, then?

BRYCE
Yes your honor, if he wants to sit up there and say one plus one equals zero, I don’t think there’s much further that needs to be extracted of him.

JUDGE PARKER
Very well. Any final remarks from the prosecution?

MATEO
People of the jury, I urge you to think logically. Mr Tangerine Blake cannot have sex with two different species and claim that neither act was bestiality. Mr Tangerine Blake agreed not to post videos depicting bestiality. Mr Tangerine Blake posted those videos. Thank you.

JUDGE PARKER
Any final remarks from the defense?

TANGERINE BLAKE
Science is not about memorizing the periodic table. Science is about asking questions. Science is about asking WEIRD questions. And then, science is about observation, and marking down the answers to those weird questions, even if it leaves you realizing that something you’d assumed before was actually incorrect, and there is a much, much larger truth underneath. Why does the talking dog say that there is no such thing as bestiality? Thank you.

Gentle applause from the gallery. Members of the jury speak among each other, with much nodding.

Arbitration

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